Patrick Swayze and the Train to Brugge

This sort of news probably doesn't reach Paris, which makes it good that I have internet and the kind of friends who find this relevant. Patrick Swayze passed away.

I had some time to kill on the trains from Paris to Brugge, so I listened to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack (which just so happens to be on my iPod), in remembrance of my first celebrity crush, Patrick Swayze. The man I was supposed to marry when I grew up.

It occurred to me that the answer to everything I ought to be looking for in a man has been right in front of me all these years, sitting on my DVD shelf.

Compiled below is a list of qualities that potential suitors from this day going forward must possess. These are the standards by which I fell in love when I was 5 years old. Why I ever deviated I will never know.

1. Is a misunderstood bad boy with a heart of gold, that everyone comes to respect.

2. Looks that good in a t-shirt and jeans (I may, however, disqualify potential candidates for wearing black jeans with a black t-shirt).

3. Is willing to put himself out there musically or otherwise, no matter how cheesy the result (ref: She's Like the Wind).

4. Dances dirty.

5. Would never let a good friend down, and will come to the rescue when he/she is in trouble.

6. Will take responsibility even if he is not to blame, and is willing to stand up for other people no matter what it costs him.

7. Possesses professional dancing abilities and has endless patience to teach me, no matter how many times I step on his feet or try to break his back.

8. Has superior balance and coordination, allowing him to dance on a log suspended over a ravine.

9. Would never bother with AAA or a locksmith. He is resourceful.

10. Would sneak a peek if I were changing in the back of his car.

11. Hangs out in a bungalow (I will accept apartment or house, as well), shirtless, and listening to vinyl.

12. Will punch Robbie or other miscellaneous men in the face for daring to suggest I am easy and have no standards.

13. Is the kind of man that every girl wants, but will give all the hoes the cold shoulder when he finds the one he loves (me).

14. Isn't above crawling on the ground, groveling, and playing air guitar to Mickey & Sylvia's Love Is Strange.

15. Ultimately will not back down when the boss asks him to perform the pachanga (or other such ludicrous ideas).

16. Will remind me to think positively if I ever say, "You can't win no matter what you do," or other such defeatist statements.

17. Drives fast on dirt roads.

18. Will not put Baby (yours truly) in the corner.  

19. Must be able to lift me over his head, while I'm in a perfectly horizontal flying superman position, ala the final dance sequence in Dirty Dancing.

[EDIT] 20. Does not have spaghetti arms. 

I feel like this is not too much to ask. If you, or anyone you know, meet all or most of these conditions, please apply. Thank you.

Lucky strike extra: Will haunt me from the grave, learn to move objects with his spiritual energy, possess an irritable black woman's body who is posing as a psychic, convince her to find me so that he can profess his undying love and say one last goodbye, while simultaneously uncovering the plot that led to his murder and is about to threaten my own life, and thwart my would-be assailant. Steamy love scene involving clay, potter's wheel and the Righteous Brothers is entirely optional.